Affair-Proofing Your Relationship

In “8 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage,” author Therese J. Borchard gives us advice on preventing what happens to many married monogamous couples which usually winds up fatally jeopardizing their relationship’s future. As common sense as it may seem, actively avoiding situations that could lead to temptations is a good prevention of regrettable events! Ms. Borchard gives us specific tips she has personally gathered on how to make her and our marriages absolutely affair-proof. Nurturing safe friendships makes the list and Ms. Borchard counts this as the most important affair-prevention exercise in her life. Your partner will have interests that you will not enjoy nearly as much as they do, and vice versa. Having buddies to enjoy these activities with takes the pressure off the relationship for things it can’t necessarily easily feed. (more…)

What is Love to You?

In “Married Life of a Rebel Life,” a section of the blog Oliva’s Beauty and Madness, Olivia reveals that she once thought she didn’t believe in love but has come to realize that her definition of it simply differed from what she had been fed about from outside sources. Instead of associating love with infatuation, giddiness and chills, Olivia believes it to be more like conscientiousness in action when dealing with your partner and that it can also be those certain compromises in life. Here’s one of the examples from her list of observations on true love in action: “…It’s when a person who’s used to having things done her way suddenly pauses to think about what the other person might think….” For Olivia’s complete list, go to her blog at Olivia’s Beauty and Madness.
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Those Bizarre Wedding Rituals Explained

Unless you are an anthropologist or an historian, you may not be aware of all the strange origins of many wedding rituals we commonly take part in today. In Bizarre Origins of Wedding Traditions found on CNN.com, Jenn Thompson takes a look at some of these traditions. Love it or hate it, the garter toss and grab seems to be done at nearly every wedding. If you find it to be at least just a little bit creepy, the origins of this tradition may strike you as even creepier. For higher echelons of society (royalty for example) the marriage ceremony would be immediately followed with the consummation that used to require witnesses (to secure lineages). Often before the act, guests would grab at the bride’s garments for pieces as souvenirs (and perhaps to speed things along). The best part is that you are free to keep, delete or add rituals to your own ceremony should you desire. Keep any traditions that have meaning for you and don’t feel an ounce of guilt for letting others fall by the wayside. Realize you also have the power and freedom to create new ones if you wish! To read the original story, go to www.cnn.com.
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Is the Pain You’re Feeling Really Love?

Robert Denton is an experienced therapist who specializes in coaching people for stress and burnout and shares an interesting story on his blog — a story he feels is a recurring one that can cause much suffering and affect both personal and professional lives. When stress of any sort mounts to enormous levels, it can can definitely lead to burnout. Among your treatment choices is to take action and change your environment. But Many equate leaving the relationship with running away from the situation.
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Thrive, Don’t Just Survive

Many people allow the two most important areas of their lives to drift to the very bottom of one’s “life list,” as life coach Nicola Ries Taggart puts it. These two essentials are: the time to nurture one’s self, and the time to nurture one’s love relationship. Have you been neglecting either or both of these? One easy way to tell is if you feel a lack of connection where it was once strong between the two of you, or if you are feeling oppressively distant from the one you are closest to.
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Overcoming Jealousy & its Roots

Susie and Otto Collins, who are a couple and are both relationship coaches, answer a reader’s question about jealousy and address the subject. They explain that jealousy is most often acted out due to holding on to things that have happened to you in the past while in other relationships. This holding-on can be very unconscious and repetitive: those of us doing this are expecting the same things to happen in our present love relationship as did in past ones. One of the best ways to combat this is to consciously separate your past experiences from your present ones. This can take a little reminding, but it will really help if you question your thoughts about the past when they come up from now on.
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Avoiding Unconscious Loving Pitfalls

This article held my attention; it has really intense and interesting anecdotes to illustrate the points made. Avoid the Traps of Unconscious Loving suggests that if your relationship is going poorly, it would be a good idea to think about the legacy-based reasons that may lie at the heart of what’s going wrong. The stories drawn on by Gay and Katie Hendricks to illustrate how co-dependencies can begin and then continue to manifest throughout one’s life unconsciously, affecting relationships sometimes for the worst, are vivid and can serve as inspiration and hope for getting to the roots of our own patterns. Although a caveat might be that if you are not ready to handle such discoveries with mature and constructive actions, it may in fact just lead to more places to spread blame, which will NOT solve anything and only exacerbate problems. Owning up to your own issues is essential to improving your relationship. See the article at www.life.giam.com.
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The Bright Side of Going through a Divorce

Unfortunately, sometimes relationships evolve into a split up. As I’m sure you know, anyone who is going through a major split up may not have the most positive outlook on the situation. In this interview, writer Debbie Ford explores the positive side of the death of a relationship. She begins with the aptly named Spiritual Divorce, which refers to using this time as an opportunity to grow and learn, including learing to view it as a gain instead of as a loss.

Any major shake-ups in our lives are often great wake-up calls and can alter our life course for the better -– they are opportunities to improve ourselves. Ford stresses the importance of surrender, since change cannot pay off if we remain stubborn and stuck instead of accepting the unknown paths that lay before you. Personally, I’ll never forget what Mary Embry (a sage of a psychotherapist from Berkeley) said to me years ago: She said that when your marriage ends, you actually take on the good traits of your ex-partner to add to the traits you already possess. This, of course, can lead to becoming an better individual who has grown by leaps and bounds. See the article at www.gaiam.com.
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Ever give much thought to lighting when it comes to the bedroom atmosphere? It’s a quick and effective way to control the ambiance in your lair, especially if you aren’t up for changing all the other things in the room (like the walls, the furniture, etc.). As you might have guessed, there are plenty of great creative lighting ideas on the Web and I’d like to share a few with you.
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Thou Shalt Not Resent Your Lover…

Leo at ZenHabits shares that his second marriage is benefiting from lessons learned from mistakes made during his first marriage. Gleaning from that he has put together a thoughtful list entitled, The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship. After pointing out what he feels should be done in order to feed a happy relationship, he goes into the Deadly Sins that should be avoided, beginning with Resentment. Leo says since it is a poison which can grow to mythic proportions, you absolutely need to sever it early on. His solutions include, breathing and let it go while accepting your loved one, imperfections and all. If you really can’t let it go, communicate with your loved one -– preferably in a gentle, non-confrontational manner and negotiate a solution with them that works for, not just one, but for both of you. Have the courage to talk with your loved one about problems before allowing them to blow up into much bigger ones. All the things on Leo’s list have the potential to bust up your relationship, so communication is definitely key. His complete list of do’s and don’ts can be found at www.zenhabits.net.

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In a previous post, Upgrading your Sheets, I offered up some makeover ideas for your bed. I’d like to continue with that theme here in this bedroom product spotlight…

Eco Friendly Sheets are Body Friendly Too

Consider Bamboo…sustainable, eco-friendly, silky and breathable…a great idea for outfitting your place of pleasure and rest. Here are 50/50 blend bamboo and organic cotton sheets from www.gaiam.com They possess a nice tone-on-tone floral jacquard pattern in a natural shade. But if you swear by cotton, consider organic cotton knit sheets –- these feel just like (or better than) your favorite t-shirt! Low eco-impact dyes lend a pleasing array of color tones: mauve, green tea, bark or natural, make these a good choice for the conscious consumer. These chemical free organic cotton jersey sheet sets are also reasonably priced. Again at www.giam.com.
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It’s Never Too Late to Put it in Writing

Here’s a concept that might not have crossed your mind: Couple gets postnup which saves their marriage. This couple had been married for thirty years and still deeply loved each other, but had issues. Issues that threatened to ultimately break them apart from one another. But fortunately, they got creative and formed a postnuptial -– which is similar to the prenuptial you may have heard about, sometimes with some stigma attached (deserved or undeserved) — except the postnuptial is done during the marriage instead of before it. Just as negotiation is vital to the survival of a relationship, these two were clear about what each wanted out of the relationship going forward and acted upon it officially, lending both some much needed ease over long-time wounds. It’s nice to have a happy ending, especially for two people who did not wish to lose each other. Check out the inspiring details on CNN.com .

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Romantic Video

Here’s a clip you don’t see every day -– a little bit of gentle G-rated fantasy for your eyes from the 1940s. It’s from Disney’s orchestral-inspired animated epic film, Fantasia, and it’s a calm, moody piece that was actually cut from the experimental film’s first release (due to time constraints). I am sharing it because it’s something of a soul mate story set to Claude Debussy’s lush classic, Claire de Lune. Also because it’s just beautiful. So…sit back, relax and get ready to enjoy a subtle side of Disney you probably weren’t expecting. (more…)

Express Yourself

I just saw this on CNN.com: Fighting with Spouse can be Good for Your Health by author Diane Mapes. Yes. It’s true! Of course there are some particulars to this. Those who don’t hold back their issues and anger –- especially women –- tend to fare a lot better in the long run than those who do. According to a 10-year study of 4,000 women and men, women who repressed angry feelings during conflicts in their marriage compared to women who did not repress, had four times the risk of dying. The author offers steps to combat this, beginning with Expressing Yourself: let your partner know that you are angry about something and that you would like to solve it, even if it needs to wait until later on. Another has to do with Discussing and Compromising. Ms. Mapes describes one woman who uses her blog to vent her true feelings. Her husband reads the blog and then after work they discuss and solve the problem together. Another important point? Keep Your Sense of Humor! For more details, please go to www.cnn.com.

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I am finding that there’s a never-ending variety of views on the topic of soul mates. How many can a person have? Are there soul partners as well as soul mates? What are your views? I’d love to hear them. Just add a comment to this post to share your views with the rest of us.

From the Blogs

On the blog Spiritual Journey with Mika, Mika says that we do not have one possible soul mate but rather, a handful or more. She claims one major source of problems in a relationship can be the simple fact that we have not actually severed connection with previous soul mates and that it is necessary to have closure on them. If closure was not accomplished, the current relationship will lack clarity because of it. She also offers up two more things to keep in mind in order to have a committed relationship without attachment (attachment equals the cause of suffering), beginning with Giving Respect for the Other Person’s Spiritual Path. You can check out the rest of her post, “Human Attachment” at loveandcompassion.com.

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Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples by Tara Parker Pope is a NewYork Times article I learned about from iconic author Susie Bright’s audio show this past week (her blog and podcasts can be found at susiebright.com). In her article, Ms. Parker Pope explains that for couples whose date nights feel boring, what they need is some change and novelty when approaching their next date night plans. Although research is still in its early stages, experiments have already shown that instead of doing the same old thing for your date night -– whatever that is for you, whether it’s dinner or dinner and a movie –- couples should try new things together that you both enjoy. This can re-fire those circuits in the brain that were on fire when you were first dating. Examples range from organized sporting activities to simply exploring a new town or neighborhood, just as long as it’s something the two of you do not normally do. The caveat is…this tactic won’t necessarily help relationships that are in need of serious help, but it may indeed give new spark to those couples in relatively good long term relationships that may feeling monotonous of late. Check out the entire article at www.nytimes.com.

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From the Web

According to clinical psychologist and author Tara Brach in A More Perfect Union, approaching your committed relationship as a spiritual practice can lead to enduring love, improved harmony and liberation. She explains how in depth and gives as an example, the act of being present with discomfort in a yoga pose can release blockages and bring you more harmony mentally and physically — can also be applied to our relationships.

The article follows two separate couples undergoing “A-ha” moments in therapy and where it leads them. Ms. Brach suggests to one couple who focuses on each other when complaining about things they thought were not working for them, to instead stop and investigate their own feelings more closely when they feel intense emotions arise. If we pause before reacting, blaming, or withdrawing, it will then help to allow us to focus and figure out what is really going on at the depth of our experience. Next is to learn to let go and accept what is. Learning from these techniques proved to be freeing for this troubled couple, ridding the divide caused by fears, judgments and misunderstandings and giving way to inner peace and love that was inside all along. I was impressed with this article and it’s been on mind ever since I ran across it. I look forward to working to pause much more often before my own emoting to see what I can learn from that, and to what places within me I may reach as a result. Check it out at www.yogajournal.com.

From the Blogs

In Top 10 Relationship Mistakes, item number one, “Confusing the Real Purpose of a Relationship,” Jay Soriano says relationships are mirrors of ourselves and therefore the true purpose of one is to understand yourself since the True You is always revealed instead of how you think you are. And here’s something to try I haven’t seen before — in number six, “Misunderstanding the Limits of Your Relationship,” he suggests devoting fifteen minutes per day, for just the two of you alone, to silent contemplation together (separate from any other spiritual activities). This is supposed to help build a spiritual foundation and counteract the worldly endeavors which undoubtedly connect the two of you, but when out of balance can cause stress your relationship in the long run. I can’t imagine that contemplation together would hurt any! For more on the Top 10, go to www.symbianize.com.

For Fun

This soul mate calculator takes various preferences of yours into account, and then calculates the number of singles you must meet in order to find your soul mate. (Included on the web page is a link for viewing explanations of how the figures are calculated, if you are curious.) Go to www.solvedating.com.

From the Blogs

Mark Westman’s brief post explains how to move from using “You” statements to using “I” statements and he tells why it will decrease conflicts in your relationship. Many “You” statements can come across as accusatory whereas “I” statements are less so and may come from a genuine place. It’s also easier to “prove” what you say in an “I” statement rather than a “You” statement as one might assume you are coming from a source of self-knowledge and sharing as opposed to adding to defensive mechanisms your partner is likely to fall into when using the “You” statements. Mr. Westman also provides some examples at markwestman.blogspot.com.

Products for Couples

No matter your gender, everyone loves to be pampered! Spas can be expensive and less intimate and comfortable than staying at home and recreating a bit of the experience in complete privacy. Gaiammindbody.com offers nutrient rich spa treatments free of nut oils and alcohol with Lotus Touch Spa Treatments products: Sea Algae Powder mixed with water or milk hydrates and stimulates circulation; Moor Mud Bath soothes sore muscles and luxuriously relieves pain (quantity: 2 baths); Seaweed Gel Wrap hydrates and nourishes. Ingredients information can be found at gaiammindbody.com.

An easy date night plan is to stay in, light some candles and watch a DVD — ever have the problem of not finding what you want to watch though? Not all of us would like to watch something particularly vacuous or violent, especially when you want to have a relaxing or thoughtful experience with the one you love. www.spiritualcinemacircle.com offers a subscription service that guarantees a careful selection of a new, hard-to-find, uplifting and thought-provoking mixture of films, documentaries and film shorts delivered each month on one DVD (to keep). A portion of members’ subscription dollars go toward supporting independent filmmakers focused on these themes. Subscription is $21/month plus shipping ($4.95 domestic; $7.95 international), includes some special benefits, and is cancelable at any time. For more information, go to www.spiritualcinemacircle.com.

This is a nice way to bypass the widely available mainstream entertainment that can be so lacking these days and it is less expensive than monthly cable TV service!

Great Videos for Better Relationshipping

I am really excited to have found “Twin Flames: When Love Incarnates” by Humanity Healing which is a beautiful and moving video that through aesthetically pleasing graphics and music attempts to explain one’s compulsion to seek out another in relationship. Described are the twin flames or souls which were one before splitting. It can take several lifetimes to connect again with your “other” physically although you are never really apart even if you are alone or with another soul in karmic agreement. When both souls are strong enough to stand on their own, they can then reunite and ultimately, be of service toward pure light. I encourage you to view this video since experiencing it is sure to be enjoyable and thought-provoking, if not freeing.

The video, “Tell the Truth and Feel Your Feelings” by Robby Hamilton of peacecanbe.com gives actual how-to’s on turning anxiety into freedom resulting in better communicability with those in all your relationships. He gives tips on how to recognize your feelings and learn to become more genuine and truthful broken down into two steps which he further details.

The first step is the zone of telling the truth in the moment, noticing the feelings in the body which occur. The second step is to look at your path up until now and make a list of the withholds in your life, the things you did or didn’t do that resulted in dissatisfaction on your part. Mr. Hamilton points out that the things you may feel like avoiding or don’t think much of are most likely some things you need to delve into more deeply and work through. He tells you how to get started.

From Crackle:
How To Start: “Tell The Truth and Feel Your Feelin…

Dear Reader, please don’t underestimate the power of little notes and those little gifts or favors. It can seem mundane, such as a tiny sticky note I left for my paramour the other day. All it said was “You’re right…,” plus the explanation that I had been wrong about trying to discard the lamp shipping box by myself (he had offered since it was quite cumbersome, but I had previously declined the help). Later on when we connected, he referred to it fondly letting me know he got it –- as if it was romantic! Occasionally, on the way home from work I will pick up a seaweed salad for him at the local Asian food store (the fresh ones they make on-site are his favorite). For a material cost under five dollars, I have brightened his day!

FROM THE BLOGS

Taking a similar concept a whole lot further, Karly Randolph Pittman at First Ourselves explains how to cultivate gratitude for your partner via a notebook -– and how it saved her marriage while going through a particularly trying patch. As a bonus, through it, Karly also found a way to ask for what she wanted. Like many of us may have felt, early in her relationship she erroneously assumed that if someone loved her, they would just know what she needed. Check it out here.

Here’s a brief post with advice on how to have fun and conduct flirting at parties without it later resulting in a fight with your loved one…from LifeTips. Follow this link.

For singles, Toni Coleman says you need a Dating Elevator Speech when attending a singles event. Like the prepared elevator speech one uses to pitch their talents for work, your dating elevator speech pitches something about yourself beyond the surface – beyond your appearance and grooming which can overshadow first impressions. Having one can make you more confident, take the edge off meeting new people and help things go more smoothly during that initial conversation which can be nerve-racking! More here.

Here’s to ever-brighter days with our loved ones. (:

What is a Soul Mate? A Soul Mate is someone we feel profoundly connected to. Usually a soul mate refers to a person of romantic interest.

Soul Mate
n. a person with whom one has a strong affinity; one
of two persons compatible with each other in disposition,
point of view or sensitivity.

Found on the Blogs

In Brigitte’s Space, Brigitte shares descriptions of Soul Mates and explores her own feelings and experiences on the subject. See it here.

“You feel closer to certain souls, because you
have attracted them into your life as they are on
the same frequency as you or because you want
to work out issues with them….”

More of Monkey Bone’s thoughts on Soul Mates can be found here.

Anedra explains that although she may not feel she is with her “Soul Mate,” she is exceedingly happy and content with the person she chose to be with. Makes one wonder… is there even a difference between the two? In Pursuit of a Soul Mate is here.

In Nina Atwood’s Blog, Nina claims we need to find a Soul Partner, not a Soul Mate. I have to say that personally I feel I most agree with this post on the topic. I have experienced love and pain in indescribable ways at the hands of a few people whom I met up with in this life, with whom I had also been very connected to in past lives. We all have karma to work out with people like that, but I feel more satisfied and content with my present Soul Partner of nearly eight years who seems new to me in this life and with whom I do not feel heavy and believe it or not, oppressive psychic ties. Read more here.

ResponsibleTravel.com’s Justin Francis found that going on holiday could be better than any dating site when it comes to finding your future loved one. He then goes on to describe the best places for romantic travels as well as where you might find that person to travel with…

”You never know, maybe you’ll be like one of
the lucky 17% from our survey and meet your
Soul Mate in paradise…”

Read more here.

Soul Mate Quiz

And finally…the “Are You with Your True Soul Mate?” QUIZ. Take it here.

Communicating with your loved one about money can be tricky. Drawn from his own experiences, James of Dual Income No Kids shares his communication tips when talking about finances. He also points out that improving your communication skills in general are very helpful and rewarding no matter how challenging it is to do and offers some great web resources.

From a blog created as a student resource, check out the 9 great relationship tips on healthy arguing in this post! Yes, arguing CAN be healthy! It’s just another form of communication when done right.

Are you in a long distance relationship with your loved one? If any amount of time has gone by, you most likely have already run into challenges. I found this Romance Tracker blog post interesting as it acknowledges long distance love used to be more successful than it is now in our more modern times, even though you’d think it would be easier! Some food for thought offered to help you in viewing things realistically and with some clarity you may find yourself seeking.

Also, Natasha Leitao offers up a mini survival guide with these long distance relationship tips.

I found this and thought it could be kind of interesting and fun: Arielle Ford explains how to use “Feelingization” (when Visualization just isn’t enough…) to find your romantic partner. Ms. Ford claims the method is relaxing and therefore, healthy. I wondered…if you have already found your mate, could this method be used to imagine an even more loving and rewarding relationship with your existing mate. What do you think?

Do you know what a spiritual relationship with your loved one is? Dr. Tim Ong’s article explains that it’s a relationship that aims for the highest good for those in it. It also facilitates our spiritual growth. Check out his 5 tips for cultivating a spiritual relationship with another person. I found his tips to be freeing! This really got me to think about myself in some new ways. I already want to read it again. I hope you find it useful, too!

From the Blogs

You might agree, handwritten letters seem to be a dying (or, in fact dead) art these days — which, in turn, makes them that much more powerful. Just the other day, my love of eight years told me that my handmade card with handwritten sentiments (“You are the best boyfriend ever….”) permanently graces his desk at the office. I had no idea! He told me he looks at it and reads it often, and especially if he’s having a bad day. He said it gives him a tiny vacation, along with looking at a photo of us next to it. I had completely forgotten about that card, as I had given it to him at least five years ago, and now it’s as if it has touched me back. Consider writing your significant other a love letter. It doesn’t have to be complicated. I think most people crave such things since truly personalized items have gone by the wayside in an age of an increasingly physical and ever-replacing consumerist culture. Do you think you are too chicken to try this? You absolutely do not need to be a pro at this, and besides, we have tips and ideas for you from Kyle: You can see them here.

Are you planning or want to plan a trip together with your mate? Anyone who has traveled with a companion already knows that travel can stress the nerves, so you want to read up and find out how you can plan and have the most fun while on that trip. I am guessing you will want to love them more, not less, when you return home! Learn practical secrets to staying together on that journey by Theresa Dowell Blackinton. What’s first on the list? How to pick a destination you will BOTH enjoy….

Bonus: Theresa includes a link to the blog on her and her partner’s one year trip around the world in 2008! We can see these tips in action.

Are you single? Believe it or not, many are jealous of your status! Anyway, here’s an article with three sound relationship goals for women. This is something to keep in mind while thinking about the New Year.
See more here.