by India Bonham

Are We More Alike than Different?

You and your partner, even if you are different genders, are more alike than different according to veteran couples therapist Mira Kirshenbaum in her blog, Healthy Relationships. She shares highlights of various recent studies on a range of topics showing that yes, we are more alike than different. Most notable are the emotional factors and the importance of relationships over all else which covers much the same feelings in men as in women. One quote of hers I liked was “… I know as a long-time couples therapist that this soulmates-under-the-skin kind of thing helps keep marriages alive and healthy. When a couple starts to make a big deal about how different they are from one another, especially when they make a big deal about how it is based on seemingly immutable male/female differences, that couple is in trouble.”

This topic reminds me of my own relationship. My long-time paramour is male and I am female, but I have noticed, especially in the beginnings of our relationship, how the stereotypes really do fail (the ones used by our culture to describe men and women and their actions and emotions). Many times I have felt like the “man” of the relationship. I love the fact that by our actions alone, I don’t think we could necessarily be pinpointed as one gender over the other. But what do I know? To read more about what Mira Kirshenbaum is saying on the subject, see her blog entry “Don’t Think Men and Women are So Different” at revolutionhealth.com.

Embrace Good Will for the Benefit of Your Relationship

Speaking of research, Margaret Paul, Ph.D. claims that that those in successful marriages have made the choice of demonstrating good will toward each other. What exactly is good will you ask? Some of Dr. Paul’s examples of what it is not include

• avoiding responsibility by embracing various addictions (these don’t have to be food or drugs, but can be work, TV and many other things)
• right-fighting (for instance, insisting on winning arguments and fighting to be right all of the time)
• criticizing
• blaming
• using passive aggressiveness in order to try to control the other person

Phew! This may come as a surprise–Dr. Paul says that good will is not necessarily “niceness,” since that can be another form of control due to ulterior motives associated with it; she explains that good will is having no agenda other than the desire to be loving. This is very important and I love this point: good will is a conscious decision you make for yourself and it is not to be a decision that is contingent on your loved one’s behavior.

For more on both of her lists of what is and is not good will, as well as how to practice good will (since it won’t just happen on it’s own), take a look at author Margaret Paul’s blog post, “Relationships: The Power of Good Will” at success.bz.

The Anti-Wedding Wedding

Read the true tale and watch the video! In brief, just a small group of people trying to have a wedding ceremony that is anti-excess in protest of these wallet-bleeding times. I loved this! Courtesy of the Washington Post. See washingtonpost.com.